Published On: 09-05-2006 09:50 PM
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Surely, Big Macs and Whoppers are the celebrities of the burger world.  I imagine the Big Mac is the Sean Connery, and the Whopper the Willie Nelson of fast food.  Likewise, Oreos are the Wayne Brady of cookies, and Hydrox are the girl who never quite made it to Hollywood, but are making a killing in porn.  But I am getting off track.

Do you have any idea the celebrity status that fuckng stingray has right now?  That little bastard is the Jack Ruby of the anaimal world.  In one quick, clean shot, he took out the #1 most wanted: Steve the Crocodile Hunter--surely the Lee Harvey Oswald of the animal kingdom!  Stevey would dangle rattle snakes around, kick tarantulas, and poke kimodo dragons just for the fun of it.  If it didn't walk on two legs, Steve would piss it off for the camera.  If aligators were circumcized, surely Steve's middle name was Eichmann.

I bet that stingray is getting all kinds of tale this week--and not  just from lady stingrays, either!  I bet there are reptiles coming in from all over the south pacific to give it up to the Fish The Killed Steve.   Shit, that stingray is probably known to your goldfish by now.  He's now on a first-name basis with the entire aquatic world, like Cher, Madonna, or Oprah.

Published On: 09-01-2006 06:01 PM
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I'm officially going to lobby to have the state of Virginia renamed to Vaginer.  Apparently, we're so soft and weak that tropical storm Ernesto is enough for the governor to declare a state of emergency.  Don't get me wrong--I voted for the guy.  But I imagine he sleeps with a night light.

So what does this mean?  It means that the Nation Guard can now be deployed.  Ummm, for WHAT, exactly?  Unless they plan on raking leaves out of my yard, I don't foresee us having a use for them.  It's rain and wind, people.  I think what it's going to come down to is redefining the role of the Guard in these types of situations.  Here is a list of things I'd like to see the Guard doing for the next week in VA:

1) Left Lane Speed Enforcement:  Metro DC area drivers are notoriously incompetent.  If it rains, they get on the brakes.  If it's foggy, the get on the brakes.  If it's too sunny, they get on the brakes.  If it's windy, they get on the breaks.  If it's Monday through Friday, they get on the brakes.  I'd like to see some patrols on some northern VA roads to make sure that people in the left lane are using more of the right pedal.  If you're in the left lane, you should be passing.  There should be SHOOT TO KILL orders against anyone in the left hand lane who is not passing, or not on the ass of the person in front of them.  Of course, this could result in the closure of many good Asian restaurants around here.

2) Locking The Block Prevention Duty:  Did you enter the intersection without ample room to exit the intersection?  Are you preventing motorists with right or way from moving?  Are you blocking a busy road's cross streets while standing still?  SHOOT TO KILL.

3) School Bus Security Duty:  Forsome reason, we have a population of people around here who believe that the giant red flashing STOP sign on a school bus is just a suggestion.  Frequently these asses who blow by schoolbusses picking up or dropping off kids have diplomat tags on their cars.  SHOOT TO KILL.

4) Punk Kid Population Control:  Punk kids come in al ages and sizes.  If you're over 20 and wearing your lid (read: baseball cap) on sideways or crooked, you're a punk kid.  If you wear around an oversized jersey, and your activities have nothing to do with watching or participating in an actual sport, you're a punk kid.  If you use the "no skateboarding" sign as a rail for your skateboard, you're a punk kid.  SHOOT TO KILL.

5) Porn and Pizza Delivery Service:  Self-explanitory.  MONEY SHOT TO KILL.

Published On: 08-30-2006 03:22 PM
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What the hell is "solecistic?"
Okay, a hissy fit.
PANDA ATTACK!
*cough*
WTF is "bullishido?"
Lunchbox?  That reminds of of the time BacDoc and I met Lunch at a hotel.

These are some kick-ass smilies.  Similes.  Smites.  Slimites.

Skinny Cow products kinda suck.

Published On: 08-24-2006 03:01 PM
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AIDS?  Still a problem.
CANCER? Still rollin'.
BIRD FLU? Think that's still around.
IRAN? Still a bunch of assholes.
BUSH? Still President.
HEZBOLLAH? Still being dicks.
GLOBAL WARMING? That's what they tell me.

Of all the things we could have spent time and energy stopping or preventing, "PLUTO as PLANET" would not really be high on my priority list.  I'm sure there are lots of self-satisfied astronomers and astrophysicists out there who went back to their hotel rooms with shit-eating grins on their faces and jerked off to the latest installment of NOVA after that conference came to a close.

*RING RING*

"Hey, honey, it's me!  Guess what!  Yeah, we got Pluto off the planet list!  Let's celebrate.  Talk dirty to me!  Oh yeah, what are you wearing?  Are you touching yourself?  I'm lubing myself up with dimethyl-hydroxyl-bentyl-oxycate sulfide... oh yeah..."

Congrats guys.  You're really putting this solar system back into proper order.

Published On: 08-22-2006 06:47 PM
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When I was a kid growing up, there were only a few things we needed to worry about.  These things were important, but they weren't so terrifying that they made your young blood run cold.  And if they were terrifying, it wasn't real enough to freak our shit out.
1st grade: don't talk to strangers
2nd grade: don't run with scissors
3rd grade: don't launch a space shuttle with faulty O-rings
4th grade: don't... play in acid rain
5th grade: recycle your aluminum cans
6th grade: stand up to bullies
7th grade: say no to drugs
8th grade: say no to guns
9th grade: say no to sex
10th-12th grades: get into a good college

Now, things are a lot tougher--and scarier!
1st grade: don't talk to or take candy from strangers or you will end up brutally raped and murdered on a roadside
2nd grade: don't run with scissors or you will hurt yourself or, worse, get on an FBI watch list
3rd grade: don't let the foam fall off your external fuel tank... seriously
4th grade: every time you stick gum under a desk you cause hurricanes that kill poor people
5th grade: recycle your aluminum cans or else your attract dumpster divers who will steal you from your bedroom and sodomize you with a Dremel
6th grade: run away from bullies.  They all have guns and trenchcoats.  You're next, kid.  You're next.
7th grade: be careful not to ignite fumes from your basement meth lab, or you and your 3 month old baby could be in serious trouble
8th grade: arm yourself... the bullies from Mrs. Defiesta's 6th grade geography class are coming for you.
9th grade: take steps to prevent the transmission of hepatitus C to your third child during birth
10th-12th grade: convince a college to take you in.  Use any means possible.  Play the race card.  Play the povery card.  Play the community volunteer card.  Play the "daddy touched my bathing suit area" card.  Do whatever it takes.

Between that and myspace rapists, eBay scams, Sean Paul, and AIDS, no wonder kids want to cut themselves!