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I know why we have emo kids these days...
Published On: 08-22-2006 05:47 PM
Blog Category: No Category
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When I was a kid growing up, there were only a few things we needed to worry about. These things were important, but they weren't so terrifying that they made your young blood run cold. And if they were terrifying, it wasn't real enough to freak our shit out.
1st grade: don't talk to strangers
2nd grade: don't run with scissors
3rd grade: don't launch a space shuttle with faulty O-rings
4th grade: don't... play in acid rain
5th grade: recycle your aluminum cans
6th grade: stand up to bullies
7th grade: say no to drugs
8th grade: say no to guns
9th grade: say no to sex
10th-12th grades: get into a good college
Now, things are a lot tougher--and scarier!
1st grade: don't talk to or take candy from strangers or you will end up brutally raped and murdered on a roadside
2nd grade: don't run with scissors or you will hurt yourself or, worse, get on an FBI watch list
3rd grade: don't let the foam fall off your external fuel tank... seriously
4th grade: every time you stick gum under a desk you cause hurricanes that kill poor people
5th grade: recycle your aluminum cans or else your attract dumpster divers who will steal you from your bedroom and sodomize you with a Dremel
6th grade: run away from bullies. They all have guns and trenchcoats. You're next, kid. You're next.
7th grade: be careful not to ignite fumes from your basement meth lab, or you and your 3 month old baby could be in serious trouble
8th grade: arm yourself... the bullies from Mrs. Defiesta's 6th grade geography class are coming for you.
9th grade: take steps to prevent the transmission of hepatitus C to your third child during birth
10th-12th grade: convince a college to take you in. Use any means possible. Play the race card. Play the povery card. Play the community volunteer card. Play the "daddy touched my bathing suit area" card. Do whatever it takes.
Between that and myspace rapists, eBay scams, Sean Paul, and AIDS, no wonder kids want to cut themselves!
Blog Category: No Category
Entry Tags:
When I was a kid growing up, there were only a few things we needed to worry about. These things were important, but they weren't so terrifying that they made your young blood run cold. And if they were terrifying, it wasn't real enough to freak our shit out.
1st grade: don't talk to strangers
2nd grade: don't run with scissors
3rd grade: don't launch a space shuttle with faulty O-rings
4th grade: don't... play in acid rain
5th grade: recycle your aluminum cans
6th grade: stand up to bullies
7th grade: say no to drugs
8th grade: say no to guns
9th grade: say no to sex
10th-12th grades: get into a good college
Now, things are a lot tougher--and scarier!
1st grade: don't talk to or take candy from strangers or you will end up brutally raped and murdered on a roadside
2nd grade: don't run with scissors or you will hurt yourself or, worse, get on an FBI watch list
3rd grade: don't let the foam fall off your external fuel tank... seriously
4th grade: every time you stick gum under a desk you cause hurricanes that kill poor people
5th grade: recycle your aluminum cans or else your attract dumpster divers who will steal you from your bedroom and sodomize you with a Dremel
6th grade: run away from bullies. They all have guns and trenchcoats. You're next, kid. You're next.
7th grade: be careful not to ignite fumes from your basement meth lab, or you and your 3 month old baby could be in serious trouble
8th grade: arm yourself... the bullies from Mrs. Defiesta's 6th grade geography class are coming for you.
9th grade: take steps to prevent the transmission of hepatitus C to your third child during birth
10th-12th grade: convince a college to take you in. Use any means possible. Play the race card. Play the povery card. Play the community volunteer card. Play the "daddy touched my bathing suit area" card. Do whatever it takes.
Between that and myspace rapists, eBay scams, Sean Paul, and AIDS, no wonder kids want to cut themselves!
