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State of Virginia? State of Emergency!
Published On: 09-01-2006 05:01 PM
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I'm officially going to lobby to have the state of Virginia renamed to Vaginer. Apparently, we're so soft and weak that tropical storm Ernesto is enough for the governor to declare a state of emergency. Don't get me wrong--I voted for the guy. But I imagine he sleeps with a night light.
So what does this mean? It means that the Nation Guard can now be deployed. Ummm, for WHAT, exactly? Unless they plan on raking leaves out of my yard, I don't foresee us having a use for them. It's rain and wind, people. I think what it's going to come down to is redefining the role of the Guard in these types of situations. Here is a list of things I'd like to see the Guard doing for the next week in VA:
1) Left Lane Speed Enforcement: Metro DC area drivers are notoriously incompetent. If it rains, they get on the brakes. If it's foggy, the get on the brakes. If it's too sunny, they get on the brakes. If it's windy, they get on the breaks. If it's Monday through Friday, they get on the brakes. I'd like to see some patrols on some northern VA roads to make sure that people in the left lane are using more of the right pedal. If you're in the left lane, you should be passing. There should be SHOOT TO KILL orders against anyone in the left hand lane who is not passing, or not on the ass of the person in front of them. Of course, this could result in the closure of many good Asian restaurants around here.
2) Locking The Block Prevention Duty: Did you enter the intersection without ample room to exit the intersection? Are you preventing motorists with right or way from moving? Are you blocking a busy road's cross streets while standing still? SHOOT TO KILL.
3) School Bus Security Duty: Forsome reason, we have a population of people around here who believe that the giant red flashing STOP sign on a school bus is just a suggestion. Frequently these asses who blow by schoolbusses picking up or dropping off kids have diplomat tags on their cars. SHOOT TO KILL.
4) Punk Kid Population Control: Punk kids come in al ages and sizes. If you're over 20 and wearing your lid (read: baseball cap) on sideways or crooked, you're a punk kid. If you wear around an oversized jersey, and your activities have nothing to do with watching or participating in an actual sport, you're a punk kid. If you use the "no skateboarding" sign as a rail for your skateboard, you're a punk kid. SHOOT TO KILL.
5) Porn and Pizza Delivery Service: Self-explanitory. MONEY SHOT TO KILL.
Blog Category: No Category
Entry Tags:
I'm officially going to lobby to have the state of Virginia renamed to Vaginer. Apparently, we're so soft and weak that tropical storm Ernesto is enough for the governor to declare a state of emergency. Don't get me wrong--I voted for the guy. But I imagine he sleeps with a night light.
So what does this mean? It means that the Nation Guard can now be deployed. Ummm, for WHAT, exactly? Unless they plan on raking leaves out of my yard, I don't foresee us having a use for them. It's rain and wind, people. I think what it's going to come down to is redefining the role of the Guard in these types of situations. Here is a list of things I'd like to see the Guard doing for the next week in VA:
1) Left Lane Speed Enforcement: Metro DC area drivers are notoriously incompetent. If it rains, they get on the brakes. If it's foggy, the get on the brakes. If it's too sunny, they get on the brakes. If it's windy, they get on the breaks. If it's Monday through Friday, they get on the brakes. I'd like to see some patrols on some northern VA roads to make sure that people in the left lane are using more of the right pedal. If you're in the left lane, you should be passing. There should be SHOOT TO KILL orders against anyone in the left hand lane who is not passing, or not on the ass of the person in front of them. Of course, this could result in the closure of many good Asian restaurants around here.
2) Locking The Block Prevention Duty: Did you enter the intersection without ample room to exit the intersection? Are you preventing motorists with right or way from moving? Are you blocking a busy road's cross streets while standing still? SHOOT TO KILL.
3) School Bus Security Duty: Forsome reason, we have a population of people around here who believe that the giant red flashing STOP sign on a school bus is just a suggestion. Frequently these asses who blow by schoolbusses picking up or dropping off kids have diplomat tags on their cars. SHOOT TO KILL.
4) Punk Kid Population Control: Punk kids come in al ages and sizes. If you're over 20 and wearing your lid (read: baseball cap) on sideways or crooked, you're a punk kid. If you wear around an oversized jersey, and your activities have nothing to do with watching or participating in an actual sport, you're a punk kid. If you use the "no skateboarding" sign as a rail for your skateboard, you're a punk kid. SHOOT TO KILL.
5) Porn and Pizza Delivery Service: Self-explanitory. MONEY SHOT TO KILL.
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